What If One of Us Doesn’t Want to Write Personal Wedding Vows?

I've blogged before about whether or not you need to write personal vows for your wedding, but what happens when one of you really wants to and the other doesn't? It can be a tricky decision, particularly when personal vows are important to one of you but the thought of sharing them fills the other with dread.

The good news is that you don't necessarily have to choose one way or the other. There are several different ways to approach personal vows so that you're both comfortable with what happens during your ceremony.

Why one partner might not want personal vows

There are plenty of reasons why one partner may not feel comfortable sharing personal vows in front of an audience. They may be a very private person who would rather keep their deepest feelings between the two of you. Public speaking may make them nervous, and adding deeply personal words to an already emotional moment can make that even more daunting.

They may simply not feel confident putting their feelings into words, or they may know they'll become emotional and worry about crying in front of everyone. Whatever the reason, being reluctant to share personal vows doesn't mean those feelings aren't there. It may simply mean they'd rather express them in a different way.

Do our vows have to match? 

Absolutely not! I do suggest that couples have a conversation before the wedding about roughly how long their vows might be, so neither of them is completely taken by surprise. But it really doesn't matter if one person has more to say than the other.

I once married a couple with very different personalities. The bride was very comfortable putting her feelings into words, while the groom was definitely a man of fewer words. He went first, reading just a few heartfelt lines. When it was her turn, she began by saying, “I know you’re a man of few words, but you know I always have a lot to say,” before going on to read her three pages of vows.

It worked beautifully because their vows reflected who they were. They didn't need to be the same length to be equally meaningful.

Some other options:

Both use short, simple personal vows. 

Agreeing to keep your personal vows short and simple can be a great compromise. The partner who really wants to exchange personal words still gets that special moment, while the more reluctant speaker doesn't feel under pressure to write and deliver a long, emotional speech.

And remember, personal vows don't need to be lengthy to be meaningful. Sometimes just a few heartfelt words or one special promise can say everything you need them to.

Say personal vows privately. 

If you both want to exchange personal vows but one of you would rather not share them in front of an audience, consider saying them privately instead. You could do this before or after your ceremony, or even at another time entirely.

This allows you to keep your public ceremony comfortable for both of you, while still having the opportunity to share those very personal words with the one person they're really meant for.

Let the celebrant ask the promises. 

Another option is to give your celebrant the promises you'd like to make and ask them to incorporate those into the questions they ask during your ceremony. Your promises are still personal to the two of you, but instead of having to read them aloud yourself, all you need to do is answer, “I do.”

This can be a lovely option for someone who wants to make meaningful promises to their partner without the pressure of having to deliver them in front of an audience.

But what about the legal vows? 

Legal vows are quite different from personal vows. Personal vows are completely optional, but there are certain words that each of you must say during an Australian marriage ceremony for your marriage to be legally valid.

So even if you decide not to exchange personal vows at all, you'll still need to say the required legal wording to your partner. Fortunately, it's very brief, and your celebrant will guide you through it on the day.

You can find more information about the legal requirements for getting married in Australia here.

What if my partner is disappointed if I don’t want to do personal vows?

If personal vows are important to your partner, have a conversation about what it is they really value about them. Is it hearing you make those promises in your own words? If so, perhaps you could exchange them privately. Is it having something deeply personal included in your ceremony? There are plenty of other ways to bring intimacy and personal touches into your ceremony, and your celebrant can help you find something that feels comfortable for both of you.

Or perhaps it's simply the emotion of hearing you make promises to each other on your wedding day. Your legal vows can still be an incredibly meaningful moment, particularly when you stop thinking of them as words you have to say and focus instead on what you're actually promising each other.

The ceremony doesn't have to be symmetrical.

One of you may be a person of few words while the other could happily fill three pages. One of you may love being the centre of attention while the other would much rather avoid it. That's part of what makes you who you are as a couple, and your wedding ceremony doesn't need to pretend otherwise.

Your ceremony doesn't have to be perfectly symmetrical, with each of you saying exactly the same amount or expressing yourselves in exactly the same way. What matters is that you're both comfortable with what you've chosen and that the words you do say are genuine.

So don't worry too much about making everything match. Your vows should sound like the two people making them — and sometimes that means they're going to be wonderfully different.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can One of Us Say Personal Vows While the Other Doesn't?

Yes. Your ceremony doesn't have to be perfectly symmetrical. If one of you would love to share personal vows and the other would rather not, there's no reason you can't make different choices. The important thing is that you've discussed it beforehand and you're both comfortable with the decision.

How Long Should Personal Wedding Vows Be?

There's no set length for personal vows. A few heartfelt sentences can be just as meaningful as several paragraphs. If you're both writing vows, it's worth having a conversation about their approximate length beforehand so neither of you gets a surprise on the day.

Can We Read Our Personal Vows From a Card?

Absolutely. There's no need to memorise your personal vows. In fact, having them written down means you don't have the added pressure of trying to remember your words during what can already be a very emotional moment.

Can We Keep Our Personal Vows Secret From Each Other Until the Wedding?

Yes, but it's still worth agreeing beforehand on the general approach. You might discuss roughly how long they'll be and whether you're aiming for something heartfelt, humorous or a mixture of both. That way, the actual words remain a surprise without either of you feeling completely unprepared for what the other has written.

Can Our Celebrant Help Us With Our Personal Vows?

Yes. If you're struggling to put your feelings into words, your celebrant can usually give you some guidance about how to structure your vows and help you work out what you might like to include. Your vows should still sound like you, though. They don't need to be beautifully written or particularly clever; they just need to be genuine.

If you have any questions about getting married, feel free to get in touch. I'm always happy to help make the process as easy and stress-free as possible.

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