How the Right Celebrant Can Help Calm Your Wedding Nerves

Most couples assume that a celebrant’s job is just to stand at the front and conduct the ceremony.  That’s it. After all, how much more can there be to the job? And yes, that is a part of the job, but it’s a long way from the whole job. 

A good celebrant starts helping long before your wedding day. In fact, they can begin reducing your stress from the very first conversation you have together.

A Good Celebrant Doesn't Expect You to Fit a Template

Every couple is different. Your needs, your expectations, your comfort with the unknown. You may have a definite picture of what you want, or you may have absolutely no idea at the start of the process.  This is where a good celebrant comes in – either to help you put your dream into reality, or to draw information from you so they can help you work out what feels right for you.  Ultimately, your ceremony should reflect the people you are, not what other people’s weddings have looked like.

You Should Never Feel Pressured Into Traditions

I am more than happy to discuss different traditions with you, but it’s totally up to you what you include and what you leave out. For example:

·      The aisle walk. Do the traditional walk with parents, on your own, with your partner or not at all.  When I asked a recent bride if she wanted to make a grand entrance, she had a very definite ‘no’. She didn’t like being the centre of attention and was much more comfortable with the idea of mingling with her guests before the ceremony, then just walking to the front with her partner at the right time.

·      Personal vows.  You do have to say the legal vows, often in a ‘repeat after me’ format, but it’s totally up to you whether or not you add personal vows to these, leave them out completely, or share them privately with your love.

·      Giving away the bride. This dates back to times when women were seen as something that belonged either to their parents or their husband. I prefer to use the term, “presented by” rather than “given away”… but again, whether or not this happens, and who is involved with it, is personal preference.  When I married, my preference was just to walk from the car hand in hand with my partner and come straight to the ceremony area together.

·      First kiss. If you’re not comfortable with kissing in public (and many people, particularly from other cultures, aren’t), let your celebrant know.  You don’t have to include it, and your celebrant may be able to suggest alternatives if you’re marrying in from of a lot of guests.

·      Signing table. You can sign your documents anywhere at all – it doesn’t need to be in front of your guests.

Knowing What's Going to Happen Helps Reduce Anxiety

Ask your celebrant to run through exactly what happens on the day.  Often it's the fear of the unknown that sends our brains into high alert. We forget there aren't actually any T-Rexes around, but our bodies can still react as though there's danger.  Here are some things that may help you:

·      Reading your ceremony script ahead of time. If you’re very anxious about what is going to happen, as your celebrant if you can read your script ahead of time.  The same bride who told me that she didn’t want an aisle walk found being able to read her script ahead of time and knowing exactly what was going to be said ahead of time really helped lessen her anxiety in the lead up to the wedding. 

·      Talking through each step. Your celebrant should be able to explain to you exactly what will happen at each point of the ceremony.

·      Rehearsal. You don’t necessarily need to have a rehearsal, but it may help you to have a practice run.  Be aware though, that a rehearsal doesn’t include running through the whole ceremony – it’s more how you are going to walk in, who is going to be standing where, and covering off any last minute questions you or your celebrant may have.

·      Explaining exactly what happens in the legal wording. What are the legal words? Are you going to say your vows in a “repeat after me” format, or are you going to read them from a card/folder? These are things you can discuss with your celebrant.

Little Changes Can Make a Big Difference

There are so many little changes you can make to a ceremony that can make a difference to how you feel. 

You could:

·      Stand closer together.  Then you are able to support each other, without feeling like there is a gulf between the two of you.

·      Change where people stand.  Do you want your wedding party with you, or seated? Do you want your celebrant to stand between you or to the side? These can make a difference to your anxiety.

·      Move the signing table to the back of your guests, or in a different area altogether. Then you’re not in the limelight while you’re signing your documents.

·      Shorten the ceremony.  Most celebrants have a range of ceremonies, some longer than others.  Choose one that is best for you.

·      Make your ceremony an unplugged one.  This is common now.  Phones and cameras staying away during the ceremony can help you.

·      Make a different entrance other than the traditional aisle walk.

Choosing Someone Who Makes You Feel Comfortable Matters

Just as couples who are getting married are all different, not every celebrant has the same style. Some are higher energy than others, some more grounded. Some use more humour than others, and different types of humour.  Some are warmer, others more business-like.  Some are calm and serene; others are bouncy and flamboyant. All these styles suit different people and different personality types.  Choose a celebrant who fits with the type of person you are.

My own style is warm, calm and grounded.  While I love the use of humour, it’s never humour that puts others down and I don’t use crude humour at all.

Trust Your Instincts

Have a look at websites – they should reflect the style of the celebrant. Make the time to have a chat with prospective celebrants – and in person is always better than a video chat, if possible.

If you leave a meeting feeling heard, understood and relaxed, that’s a great sign.

If you leave feeling like you're being told what your wedding should look like, it might be worth meeting someone else.

Conclusion

Finding the right celebrant is about much more than finding someone who can legally marry you.

It's about finding someone who listens, understands what matters to you, and helps you create a ceremony where you can relax enough to enjoy the moment.

Whether you're anxious about walking down the aisle, worried about speaking in front of people, or simply don't like being the centre of attention, remember that your ceremony doesn't have to look like anyone else's. A good celebrant will help you explore different options, explain what really matters, and reassure you that it's okay to do things differently.

After all, the goal isn't to create the perfect wedding according to everyone else's expectations. It's to create a ceremony that feels like the two of you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can a celebrant help if I'm feeling anxious about my wedding?

Absolutely. While a celebrant isn't a counsellor, a good celebrant can explain what will happen, answer your questions, suggest different ways of doing things and help you create a ceremony that feels comfortable rather than overwhelming.

Should I tell my celebrant that I'm nervous?

Yes. The more your celebrant understands about how you're feeling, the better they can adapt the ceremony to suit you. There's no prize for pretending you're fine if you're not.

Can my celebrant change the ceremony to suit me?

In most cases, yes. Apart from the legal requirements, there are lots of ways to personalise a ceremony so it reflects who you are and what makes you feel comfortable.

Can I read my ceremony before the wedding?

Many celebrants are happy to let you read your ceremony beforehand. If knowing exactly what's going to happen helps reduce your anxiety, it's well worth asking.

How do I know if a celebrant is the right fit for me?

Trust your instincts. If you leave your first meeting feeling relaxed, listened to and understood, you're probably onto a good thing.

You might also find these helpful

• Wedding Anxiety - Getting Married When You Hate Being the Centre of Attention

• Do I Have to Walk Down the Aisle? Alternatives for Anxious Brides

• How to Plan a Wedding When You're an Introvert

If you've been reading this and thinking, "This sounds like us," I'd love to hear about the sort of wedding you're hoping to create. Whether it's a minimony, an intimate gathering or something completely different, we'll work together to create a ceremony that feels comfortable, relaxed and genuinely like the two of you. I'd love for you to get in touch soon.

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